Hello friends, Demon Primarch Mortarion here, and today I want to talk to you about the PR crisis that is Codex Chaos Space Marines.
Now I know what you think about me- That I’m a stoic, silent, superpowered goth kid that was really into Halloween and sniffing fumes as a child, and I grew up into a giant demonic angel of death made of murder and zika virus.
Well, between permanently destroying planets with zombie plagues and chemical munitions, and writing poetry about crows and graveyards and stuff, my passion is PR, and I know… I know… My legion and I kind of have a reputation as bloated, crap-covered, walking GWAR concerts that will kill you by stink alone. But aside from smashing my father’s desiccated corpse off the throne of Terra and plunging humanity into a demonic dark age, I really just want to be your buddy.
So today, we’re going to talk about Chaos, and why we really all AGREE on the same things, and that we can all be genetically modified, superhuman adults about this.
WHY EVERYONE HATES CODEX CHAOS SPACE MARINES
THE OPPONENTS
It’s just a hollowed out, bare-bones, Power Rangers wannabe army full of megazords and cultists.
THE CHAOS PLAYERS
It’s just a hollowed out, bare-bones, Power Rangers wannabe army full of megazords and cultists.
Now friends, see what’s happening here? People that hate chaos marines hate us because our crappy army is just a shell to cram heldrakes into… Which incidentally, is the same reason why chaos players hate the codex. Nobody actually wants to play double dragon… And honestly, does anyone still actually play double dragon anymore? I was under the impression we kind of just gave up on that and went full flying circus in the demon codex. It’s funny, everyone on the gaming news websites loves to complain about us. But the thing you’ll find out if you actually read the threads is this… The lapdogs and the traitors hate the stupid book for the same reason! Has anyone here actually assembled and painted a heldrake? I did once, it gave me cancer. I thought I already had all the cancer, because I’m Nurgle’s favorite. Turns out I didn’t. Of all the cancer I’ve got, I gotta say heldrake cancer is my least favorite.
WHY EVERYONE LOVES 30K
THE OPPONENTS
Super awesome legion rules for their favorite legion.
THE CHAOS PLAYERS
Super awesome legion rules for their favorite legion.
Wow, look at that! It’s like we’re all the same. Oh wait, that’s because we are. Every one of us started as a little test tube baby in a spooky laboratory on Terra, where Emperor Dad made us through ethically questionable experiments!
THE EDITION AND SUPPLEMENT RODEO
THE OPPONENTS
What book am I getting bonus rules out of this month and is it any good or is it updated? Does my chapter get it? Do I have access to this unit or is it vanilla codex only? Why the hell does GW never clarify which shiny new toys I can use?
THE CHAOS PLAYERS
What book am I getting bonus rules out of this month and is it any good or is it updated? Does my chapter get it? Do I have access to this unit or is it vanilla codex only? Why the hell does GW never clarify which shiny new toys I can use?
Noticing a pattern here? Let me clue you loyalists in on a secret- All you blood angels, space wolves, and dark angel brothers that are constantly wondering whether or not your legion is going to sink or swim based on the next vanilla codex marine release? You’re like diet Chaos over here.
You’re zero calorie Chaos.
Every 6 months for you is like every Tuesday for us, and in the Eye of Terror, where time doesn’t mean anything, every day is Tuesday.
“STOP WHINING, YOUR ARMY DOESN’T SUCK, DO X.”
THE OPPONENTS
“Dude, that army is fine. Just ally in X, take wargear Y, put this guy on a bike and use formation Z”
THE CHAOS PLAYERS
“Dude, that army is fine. Just ally in X, take wargear Y, put this guy on a bike and use formation Z”
JUST KIDDING ON THAT LAST PART, OUR FORMATIONS ARE AWFUL!
Now look, we’ve all heard this one. You don’t want to play Librarius conclave because you’re a Black Templar, or you’re not sure if you can because you’re a Blood Angel. Or you don’t want to go Khorne Demonkin because you’re a plague marine, like me. Honestly, in this, we’re all the same. It’s just that when someone tries to give you advice on how to make your army better in a way you don’t want too, it’s usually using units and supplements that are good. With chaos, it’s more like hoping and praying that Jervis Johnson will burn down GW HQ and every codex except for an experimental cult legion chaos codex will be destroyed in a fire and they’ll have to publish it.
THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION
THE OPPONENTS
Buy a Calth box and start a 30k legion army because they’re cool as hell.
THE CHAOS PLAYERS
Buy a Calth box and start a 30k legion army because they’re cool as hell.
Look, friends? Isn’t it obvious? In a galaxy full of Tau, Eldar, and screwball competitive lists that only work when tweaked with the right allies, formations, and flavor-of-the-edition codex, we’re all in the same power armored boat. There’s not really any difference between whiny chaos players and whiny space marine players, we all get lit up by the same markerlights.
It’s just that well, we’ve been complaining about it 10,000 years longer than you.
Love, your battle brother eternal, long after you’re actually dead because I’m a freakin deamon and I’ll be here forever
<3 MORTARION
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About the Author: Jack Stover
